Boy have I grown. And the experiences keep piling up. Innocent though they may be, I've learned a lot through all of them.
Since I wrote last I've been growing in God's word. I was a lukewarm Christian and I realized it but I never felt the urgency of changing that. Now although I do feel the urgency, I don't want to change so much because it is what I've been told to do, but rather because I want to. I'm very excited about growing and learning, though it seems I'm doing a lot of the growing on my own, it's still nice to become a stronger woman.
My most recent realization is that as a whole, the Christians around me are very judgmental. I believe that I was judgmental as well, before I realized that most everyone I regarded as a role model always had something negative to say about those who weren't living life like Christ. I would never say that not living like Christ is right; however, looking down on anyone for not living life like you is fundamentally wrong. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord. The Lord is always watching, so who are we to think we're better than anyone. I know that I'm correct in saying that Jesus Christ is the son of the one and only God and I believe in what the Bible teaches, but if someone does not, I have now chosen to try my best to never speak negative words against them. Judgment only draws people away from the Lord. I will never condone sinful actions but I want the many friends I have who do not know God to want to know Him through me, through my words, through my actions, through my heart.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Oh, the angst.
Well, it seems the last time I posted, I decided to be a bit angsty. There'll be less of that this time.
It's been a while since I've visited this online diary that I've created for myself. I've lately been confiding in a small, pink notebook that I can skillfully hide away from the inhabitants of my apartment. Not that they have any interest in reading it (; It's good to be back, and to read all of my past thoughts.
What an opportune time to return to the internet blog, seeing as it's New Years day. I literally just stumbled back upon my site but I'll take the time to recap on what's been the happenins lately.
There's been so much. Remember how in an earlier post I mentioned that I had 'no inclination' to give my heart away to anyone. Welp, that changed. Actually, a couple weeks after my most recent post. The boy, well, I've like him for a while but he was always my friend and sometimes you either know your friend isn't interested or you've just been blind. I think that I was a little blind. Here's a situation we've all been in that describes my current predicament perfectly: The boy and girl are friends and although they might, maybe, may find the other attractive in a way, they're still friends, and good friends at that so the idea of dating is obsolete. There's no real reason for them to date because they're already spending a lot of time together. So, instead of dating the other, they look outside of that friendship for a romantic relationship. They get their fulfillment for romance while maintaining their friendship with that other special person. I guess you could say they're thinkin' longrun. Furthermore, one of the realizes, one day, that he/she doesn't want to date anyone else and the time has come to do something about that small inkling they've felt since the beginning. My dilemma ensues. I fell in love with the boy before school let out in May. He went back to Nashville for the summer and before he left for Nashville we said our goodbyes and discussed his decision to study in Sweden for a semester. He would be gone for 8 months, and so he did. Then my wait began. I kept myself busy with gigs here and there and growing musically and spiritually throughout the summer. I was content most of the time but I never heard a word from him. In early-ish August I spent one random Saturday night suddenly balling into my computer screen as I pitied myself for liking him, it was my 3 month breakdown. The next morning I woke up to a message from his mother. It was his birthday and she wrote to say that she was thinking about me and asked how I enjoyed my summer. What was happening? I was beside myself from no communication. I'm a woman for crying out loud! We REQUIRE communication. The semester began and I learned to live with a new roommate in an apt for three. I made new friends and encountered new and intriguing situations. I don't like dealing with confusing people and most of the people that I deal with are confusing. Late October rolled around and I'd had about enough of not talking to him at all. This was so uncalled for. We spent a lot of time together when he was here. Comically, after an evening of missing him, my roommate wrote a mock letter to him and I actually really liked it. I'd gotten the courage up and decided that it was okay for me to message him because we were still friends, after all. So, I edited what she had written to suit my tastes and sent it. The next four days I checked facebook every chance I got. No mail, no mail, no mail, then FINALLY while driving home from the thrift store I checked my phone and the little red circle encasing the number 1 had appeared! My heart began racing so fast that I had to pull the car over to read the message. It was such a good message and I was so happy that he responded. We continued to message each other for about a month with a solid 5 hour skype session somewhere amidst the communication, then it stopped. My reply over thanksgiving break was never responded to and I haven't heard from him since. He's been busy, I guess, with ending the semester in Sweden and returning home during the christmas holidays. Who knows if he and his family have taken a vacation for the holidays but I've get a message. School starts in about two weeks. I've got a teaching job and vacation to Disney World between then and now, so, I should be pretty content but I miss him. I like him very much and I think that amongst the people that I've met in my life, he's definitely cream of the crop. My dad always tells me "There will be lots of boys, and each one of them will be equally disappointing". He's right. They're all just guys but I've gotten my heart worked up about this one. They can be disappointing and special at the same time. Nobody's perfect, after all. I'm trying hard not to obsess but it seems the only thing I can do is write about it and get it out of my system. There's something therapeutic about it. Hopefully things will turn out the way God has them planned. It's extremely hard to be the Godly person that I have to be in this situation. I get so anxious about him all of the time.
Please pray that I have enough faith to trust God to give me what I need. I know he will.
Until the next time, I'll just attach my earlier quote because it re-pricked my heart tonight- 'There is actually One standing beside me. A formidable adversary who you simply cannot see."
Claire
It's been a while since I've visited this online diary that I've created for myself. I've lately been confiding in a small, pink notebook that I can skillfully hide away from the inhabitants of my apartment. Not that they have any interest in reading it (; It's good to be back, and to read all of my past thoughts.
What an opportune time to return to the internet blog, seeing as it's New Years day. I literally just stumbled back upon my site but I'll take the time to recap on what's been the happenins lately.
There's been so much. Remember how in an earlier post I mentioned that I had 'no inclination' to give my heart away to anyone. Welp, that changed. Actually, a couple weeks after my most recent post. The boy, well, I've like him for a while but he was always my friend and sometimes you either know your friend isn't interested or you've just been blind. I think that I was a little blind. Here's a situation we've all been in that describes my current predicament perfectly: The boy and girl are friends and although they might, maybe, may find the other attractive in a way, they're still friends, and good friends at that so the idea of dating is obsolete. There's no real reason for them to date because they're already spending a lot of time together. So, instead of dating the other, they look outside of that friendship for a romantic relationship. They get their fulfillment for romance while maintaining their friendship with that other special person. I guess you could say they're thinkin' longrun. Furthermore, one of the realizes, one day, that he/she doesn't want to date anyone else and the time has come to do something about that small inkling they've felt since the beginning. My dilemma ensues. I fell in love with the boy before school let out in May. He went back to Nashville for the summer and before he left for Nashville we said our goodbyes and discussed his decision to study in Sweden for a semester. He would be gone for 8 months, and so he did. Then my wait began. I kept myself busy with gigs here and there and growing musically and spiritually throughout the summer. I was content most of the time but I never heard a word from him. In early-ish August I spent one random Saturday night suddenly balling into my computer screen as I pitied myself for liking him, it was my 3 month breakdown. The next morning I woke up to a message from his mother. It was his birthday and she wrote to say that she was thinking about me and asked how I enjoyed my summer. What was happening? I was beside myself from no communication. I'm a woman for crying out loud! We REQUIRE communication. The semester began and I learned to live with a new roommate in an apt for three. I made new friends and encountered new and intriguing situations. I don't like dealing with confusing people and most of the people that I deal with are confusing. Late October rolled around and I'd had about enough of not talking to him at all. This was so uncalled for. We spent a lot of time together when he was here. Comically, after an evening of missing him, my roommate wrote a mock letter to him and I actually really liked it. I'd gotten the courage up and decided that it was okay for me to message him because we were still friends, after all. So, I edited what she had written to suit my tastes and sent it. The next four days I checked facebook every chance I got. No mail, no mail, no mail, then FINALLY while driving home from the thrift store I checked my phone and the little red circle encasing the number 1 had appeared! My heart began racing so fast that I had to pull the car over to read the message. It was such a good message and I was so happy that he responded. We continued to message each other for about a month with a solid 5 hour skype session somewhere amidst the communication, then it stopped. My reply over thanksgiving break was never responded to and I haven't heard from him since. He's been busy, I guess, with ending the semester in Sweden and returning home during the christmas holidays. Who knows if he and his family have taken a vacation for the holidays but I've get a message. School starts in about two weeks. I've got a teaching job and vacation to Disney World between then and now, so, I should be pretty content but I miss him. I like him very much and I think that amongst the people that I've met in my life, he's definitely cream of the crop. My dad always tells me "There will be lots of boys, and each one of them will be equally disappointing". He's right. They're all just guys but I've gotten my heart worked up about this one. They can be disappointing and special at the same time. Nobody's perfect, after all. I'm trying hard not to obsess but it seems the only thing I can do is write about it and get it out of my system. There's something therapeutic about it. Hopefully things will turn out the way God has them planned. It's extremely hard to be the Godly person that I have to be in this situation. I get so anxious about him all of the time.
Please pray that I have enough faith to trust God to give me what I need. I know he will.
Until the next time, I'll just attach my earlier quote because it re-pricked my heart tonight- 'There is actually One standing beside me. A formidable adversary who you simply cannot see."
Claire
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Always something to work on..
I've become arrogant. Not in an atrociously obvious way but simply because where I used to try my hardest to consider other's needs above my own, I find myself itching to consider myself first. Those who are self centered may get what they want in the now but it will catch up with them sooner or later. Sometimes I forget that God works slowly but surely. My goal this week is to be patient enough to realize what I'm saying and doing to and for others, and to make sure it is in their best interest. In the long run I may even receive what I ask for.
Let's work on patience and thoughtfulness this week, shall we?!
Let's work on patience and thoughtfulness this week, shall we?!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Discovery
Today I realized that I am constantly being used.
I feel so weird making all of these discoveries about myself and my surroundings. Sadly, I feel quite arrogant by saying that I'm good enough to be "used", however, I am. I'm being used because I take control of the situation and I don't waste time, I get my work done, and I like to spend time with people to listen to them and talk about what they want to talk about. I'm not saying that everything must be about me, but I'm asking, why must I constantly spend my time with people who don't sincerely care about me? I never feel truly considered. So many minute things give me these feelings, we'll call them vibes, about people and lately these vibes have been working into closer friendships. Another reason to continue my search for the diamonds in the rough (:
Life is so hard, it stinks sometimes.
Pray that I have the strength to get through all of my rough spots!
God bless.
I feel so weird making all of these discoveries about myself and my surroundings. Sadly, I feel quite arrogant by saying that I'm good enough to be "used", however, I am. I'm being used because I take control of the situation and I don't waste time, I get my work done, and I like to spend time with people to listen to them and talk about what they want to talk about. I'm not saying that everything must be about me, but I'm asking, why must I constantly spend my time with people who don't sincerely care about me? I never feel truly considered. So many minute things give me these feelings, we'll call them vibes, about people and lately these vibes have been working into closer friendships. Another reason to continue my search for the diamonds in the rough (:
Life is so hard, it stinks sometimes.
Pray that I have the strength to get through all of my rough spots!
God bless.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Learning to Embrace the World.
When the world begins to look gray, embrace the small rays of sun.
We all get stuck in a rut. Well, two weeks ago was my rut. The past two weeks, however, I've learned a lot about myself and I've also accomplished a lot. Last week being the first full week of school, I've become very excited about this semester! This is my time to grow and revel in my freedom. I'll go places I've never gone before, I'll do things I've never done before, and I'll meet people I've never met. I'm going to change my own life in a very big way.
This semester:
ps. this week, schnow week (: I spent tuesday & today simply sleeping, watching netflix, making valentine's cards, and sledding with my friends. BEST TWO DAYS.
There are beautiful people in this world yet they are like diamonds. You cannot tell that they are beautiful unless you give your time to reveal their beauty. There are special because you find them only after wasting your time on those who simply wish to be spectacular. Once you find them, though, your life is forever changed.
We all get stuck in a rut. Well, two weeks ago was my rut. The past two weeks, however, I've learned a lot about myself and I've also accomplished a lot. Last week being the first full week of school, I've become very excited about this semester! This is my time to grow and revel in my freedom. I'll go places I've never gone before, I'll do things I've never done before, and I'll meet people I've never met. I'm going to change my own life in a very big way.
This semester:
- Improvisation 1
- Vocal Techniques (a real performance class)
- FORUM! April 22!
- New friends & lots of them.
- New experiences & less fear of risk.
- more conquering my dream!
- No Distractions.Period.
- LOVE GOD ALWAYS.
ps. this week, schnow week (: I spent tuesday & today simply sleeping, watching netflix, making valentine's cards, and sledding with my friends. BEST TWO DAYS.
There are beautiful people in this world yet they are like diamonds. You cannot tell that they are beautiful unless you give your time to reveal their beauty. There are special because you find them only after wasting your time on those who simply wish to be spectacular. Once you find them, though, your life is forever changed.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A rough beginning.
College is hard. Not because of the work, but because of the way it thrusts you into the whirlwind of discovering your path for life and embracing it. So far it's been a long road since my first day as a freshman. Here's what I can recall:
I chose to attend UNT for their awesome music program, primarily focusing on Jazz. Having no prior knowledge of music coming into my first year I was petrified, but I love to sing and it's what I want to do with my life, so, I was willing. My first semester was hard. The first 5 or 6 weeks I cried every single night because of the anxiety that comes along with fearing failure and the lack of friendships. If you don't know this already then let me inform you- as a music major at UNT, if you're not completely immersed in the Jazz scene or any organization, finding worthwhile friends is hard. You barely have any time to make them so how are you supposed to cope with all of the pressure? Well, my refuge is God, thankfully, but when I sometimes forget that he's by my side, trust me, the walls do tumble. I was also at a loss for a roommate my whole first year so I was always alone in my room. Which is a VERY poor situation to be in. Those of you who long for a room of your own, stop. Be so very grateful for that annoying person sleeping 5 feet away from you. I mean it.
Thankfully, I never failed any courses that first semester, actually, I believe I ended that semester with a 3.8 GPA, or something like that. And after those first rough weeks I got a hold of myself enough to begin to cope with all of my stresses. Then they let us out for break. Finally!
After break I returned for a new semester, again, without the roommate. This semester though, I had a few new friends to spend those times with when I had a much needed break. They were awesome people. Very funny and all of the different from each other. Spring of 2010 was a pretty solid semester minus a few bumps in the road due to my lack of focus on school and the distraction of the ever-so wonderful, male gender. I gigged with a good friend and pianist, Patrick, a few times which proved to be most educational in the ways of music and business. And in the process of growing through the last few months of the semester, I met my friend Bryan, who is now the leader of my band!
Summer came, bringing my first summer class, History. I've never learned or remember more about history in my life than when I attended that class. During June, while taking the summer course, I began working with Bryan to compose and arrange music for the band he wished to put together. In July I had my first job as the TA at a Jazz Camp in Oklahoma. I'm returning this summer to be promoted from TA to "personal assistant to the director" (: Who knows how much importance this truly holds, but I'm very excited to be surrounded by young kids so eager to learn about jazz. When all you know is the arrogant musicians, humility is like the water you crave after being stranded in the desert for 40 days. I was meant to be around children.
Summer ended and then came sophomore year.
Fall 2010. What joy you brought me. What anxiety you make me endure. School this semester was probably the most challenging I've faced. Fundamentals II and Jazz Aural combined into the same semester for someone who requires much studying was a task, to say the least. In addition to the difficult classes, nodules on my vocal chords were found just in time to keep me from performing my end-of-the-semester jury. Then I had the personal drama, mess, whatever you may call it. The Boy. The disaster who never thought before he took my feelings for a month then crushed them during finals week. How thoughtful of him. The problem was, that after 6 years of not being in a relationship and finally liking someone enough to be okay with it, then having your heart broken because they didn't care enough and never thought carefully about the situation they were entering into, it hurt. Bad. Nevertheless, I somehow got through those finals minus major injuries. And winter break came. Two weeks into break, I got the loving text message of "what we had was simply a crush and I'm talking to someone else, sorry". Needless to say I haven't spoken to it since and I don't plan to.
Now I sit here, survivor of the first week of the second semester of my sophomore year of college. I'm pumped about this semester. I truly am. I have no inclination to give my heart to anyone right now. I've been performing at shows with my band and I think this semester is the perfect time to focus on my life and my career. After all, it's what I'm in school for and shouldn't I be focusing on school? Focusing on anything else has proved fruitless. Yes, I'm pumped about it. Although, I am virtually out of a core group of friends. Those who I spent my time have moved off to apartments or other dorms and have roommates whom they spend their time with. Most of the time being focused on something helps. Most of the time.
These are my thoughts. I simply want them out of my head so I can feel like I've told someone. And I guess I have.
I'll continue trying to discover myself. Praying always.
'There is actually One who is standing beside me. A formidable adversary who you simply cannot see.'
I chose to attend UNT for their awesome music program, primarily focusing on Jazz. Having no prior knowledge of music coming into my first year I was petrified, but I love to sing and it's what I want to do with my life, so, I was willing. My first semester was hard. The first 5 or 6 weeks I cried every single night because of the anxiety that comes along with fearing failure and the lack of friendships. If you don't know this already then let me inform you- as a music major at UNT, if you're not completely immersed in the Jazz scene or any organization, finding worthwhile friends is hard. You barely have any time to make them so how are you supposed to cope with all of the pressure? Well, my refuge is God, thankfully, but when I sometimes forget that he's by my side, trust me, the walls do tumble. I was also at a loss for a roommate my whole first year so I was always alone in my room. Which is a VERY poor situation to be in. Those of you who long for a room of your own, stop. Be so very grateful for that annoying person sleeping 5 feet away from you. I mean it.
Thankfully, I never failed any courses that first semester, actually, I believe I ended that semester with a 3.8 GPA, or something like that. And after those first rough weeks I got a hold of myself enough to begin to cope with all of my stresses. Then they let us out for break. Finally!
After break I returned for a new semester, again, without the roommate. This semester though, I had a few new friends to spend those times with when I had a much needed break. They were awesome people. Very funny and all of the different from each other. Spring of 2010 was a pretty solid semester minus a few bumps in the road due to my lack of focus on school and the distraction of the ever-so wonderful, male gender. I gigged with a good friend and pianist, Patrick, a few times which proved to be most educational in the ways of music and business. And in the process of growing through the last few months of the semester, I met my friend Bryan, who is now the leader of my band!
Summer came, bringing my first summer class, History. I've never learned or remember more about history in my life than when I attended that class. During June, while taking the summer course, I began working with Bryan to compose and arrange music for the band he wished to put together. In July I had my first job as the TA at a Jazz Camp in Oklahoma. I'm returning this summer to be promoted from TA to "personal assistant to the director" (: Who knows how much importance this truly holds, but I'm very excited to be surrounded by young kids so eager to learn about jazz. When all you know is the arrogant musicians, humility is like the water you crave after being stranded in the desert for 40 days. I was meant to be around children.
Summer ended and then came sophomore year.
Fall 2010. What joy you brought me. What anxiety you make me endure. School this semester was probably the most challenging I've faced. Fundamentals II and Jazz Aural combined into the same semester for someone who requires much studying was a task, to say the least. In addition to the difficult classes, nodules on my vocal chords were found just in time to keep me from performing my end-of-the-semester jury. Then I had the personal drama, mess, whatever you may call it. The Boy. The disaster who never thought before he took my feelings for a month then crushed them during finals week. How thoughtful of him. The problem was, that after 6 years of not being in a relationship and finally liking someone enough to be okay with it, then having your heart broken because they didn't care enough and never thought carefully about the situation they were entering into, it hurt. Bad. Nevertheless, I somehow got through those finals minus major injuries. And winter break came. Two weeks into break, I got the loving text message of "what we had was simply a crush and I'm talking to someone else, sorry". Needless to say I haven't spoken to it since and I don't plan to.
Now I sit here, survivor of the first week of the second semester of my sophomore year of college. I'm pumped about this semester. I truly am. I have no inclination to give my heart to anyone right now. I've been performing at shows with my band and I think this semester is the perfect time to focus on my life and my career. After all, it's what I'm in school for and shouldn't I be focusing on school? Focusing on anything else has proved fruitless. Yes, I'm pumped about it. Although, I am virtually out of a core group of friends. Those who I spent my time have moved off to apartments or other dorms and have roommates whom they spend their time with. Most of the time being focused on something helps. Most of the time.
These are my thoughts. I simply want them out of my head so I can feel like I've told someone. And I guess I have.
I'll continue trying to discover myself. Praying always.
'There is actually One who is standing beside me. A formidable adversary who you simply cannot see.'
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