Oh, the angst.

Well, it seems the last time I posted, I decided to be a bit angsty. There'll be less of that this time.


It's been a while since I've visited this online diary that I've created for myself. I've lately been confiding in a small, pink notebook that I can skillfully hide away from the inhabitants of my apartment. Not that they have any interest in reading it (; It's good to be back, and to read all of my past thoughts.


What an opportune time to return to the internet blog, seeing as it's New Years day. I literally just stumbled back upon my site but I'll take the time to recap on what's been the happenins lately.


There's been so much. Remember how in an earlier post I mentioned that I had 'no inclination' to give my heart away to anyone. Welp, that changed. Actually, a couple weeks after my most recent post. The boy, well, I've like him for a while but he was always my friend and sometimes you either know your friend isn't interested or you've just been blind. I think that I was a little blind. Here's a situation we've all been in that describes my current predicament perfectly: The boy and girl are friends and although they might, maybe, may find the other attractive in a way, they're still friends, and good friends at that so the idea of dating is obsolete. There's no real reason for them to date because they're already spending a lot of time together. So, instead of dating the other, they look outside of that friendship for a romantic relationship. They get their fulfillment for romance while maintaining their friendship with that other special person. I guess you could say they're thinkin' longrun. Furthermore, one of the realizes, one day, that he/she doesn't want to date anyone else and the time has come to do something about that small inkling they've felt since the beginning. My dilemma ensues. I fell in love with the boy before school let out in May. He went back to Nashville for the summer and before he left for Nashville we said our goodbyes and discussed his decision to study in Sweden for a semester. He would be gone for 8 months, and so he did. Then my wait began. I kept myself busy with gigs here and there and growing musically and spiritually throughout the summer. I was content most of the time but I never heard a word from him. In early-ish August I spent one random Saturday night suddenly balling into my computer screen as I pitied myself for liking him, it was my 3 month breakdown. The next morning I woke up to a message from his mother. It was his birthday and she wrote to say that she was thinking about me and asked how I enjoyed my summer. What was happening? I was beside myself from no communication. I'm a woman for crying out loud! We REQUIRE communication. The semester began and I learned to live with a new roommate in an apt for three. I made new friends and encountered new and intriguing situations. I don't like dealing with confusing people and most of the people that I deal with are confusing. Late October rolled around and I'd had about enough of not talking to him at all. This was so uncalled for. We spent a lot of time together when he was here. Comically, after an evening of missing him, my roommate wrote a mock letter to him and I actually really liked it. I'd gotten the courage up and decided that it was okay for me to message him because we were still friends, after all. So, I edited what she had written to suit my tastes and sent it. The next four days I checked facebook every chance I got. No mail, no mail, no mail, then FINALLY while driving home from the thrift store I checked my phone and the little red circle encasing the number 1 had appeared! My heart began racing so fast that I had to pull the car over to read the message. It was such a good message and I was so happy that he responded. We continued to message each other for about a month with a solid 5 hour skype session somewhere amidst the communication, then it stopped. My reply over thanksgiving break was never responded to and I haven't heard from him since. He's been busy, I guess, with ending the semester in Sweden and returning home during the christmas holidays. Who knows if he and his family have taken a vacation for the holidays but I've get a message. School starts in about two weeks. I've got a teaching job and vacation to Disney World between then and now, so, I should be pretty content but I miss him. I like him very much and I think that amongst the people that I've met in my life, he's definitely cream of the crop. My dad always tells me "There will be lots of boys, and each one of them will be equally disappointing". He's right. They're all just guys but I've gotten my heart worked up about this one. They can be disappointing and special at the same time. Nobody's perfect, after all. I'm trying hard not to obsess but it seems the only thing I can do is write about it and get it out of my system. There's something therapeutic about it. Hopefully things will turn out the way God has them planned. It's extremely hard to be the Godly person that I have to be in this situation. I get so anxious about him all of the time.

Please pray that I have enough faith to trust God to give me what I need. I know he will.

Until the next time, I'll just attach my earlier quote because it re-pricked my heart tonight- 'There is actually One standing beside me. A formidable adversary who you simply cannot see."

Claire